( WHERE EAGLES DARE )

“IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE “IN LOVE” AND STAY WISE.”

GRAVITATION CAN NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR PEOPLE FALLING IN LOVE.
I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE WHO DO NOT BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT, BUT I DO BELIEVE.

“RECENTLY READ THAT LOVE IS ENTIRELY A MATTER OF CHEMISTRY. THAT MUST BE WHY MY WIFE TREATS ME LIKE TOXIC WASTE.”. Read the rest of this entry »

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
WE REMAIN COMPETITIVE BY PAYING LESS THAN OUR COMPETITORS, YOUR SALARY IS STRICTLY RESTRICTED WITH APPROVAL OF YOUR MANGERS LIKINGS , HOW MUCH PROFESSIONAL OR EDUCATED YOU MAY BE ! WE DON’T CARE FOR THAT.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
WE HAVE NO TIME TO TRAIN YOU, AS WE DO NOT KNOW  HOW AND WHAT TO TRAIN!WE ARE SUPPOSE TO FULL-FILL SEAT (  WITH “VASTA”) Read the rest of this entry »

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.” The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.” The Hands said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.” And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. Promptly, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Management Lesson:
YOU DO NOT NEED BRAINS TO BE A BOSS – ANY ASS HOLE WILL DO .

                                                   * * * *
HUMAN RESOURCE RECRUITMENTS ? ? ! !
One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus and was tragically killed. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates St. Peter himself.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St.Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an HR manager make it this far and we’re not really sure what to with you.”
“No problem, just let me in” said the woman.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in” the Saint replied.
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind…..I prefer to stay in Heaven”.
“Sorry, we have rules…..” And with that St. Peter put the HR Manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and the HR manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow HR professionals that she had worked with. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute), and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
The HR manager was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where St.Peter was waiting for her.
“Now it’s time to spend a day in Heaven” he said. So the HR manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. “So, you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity” he said.
The HR manager paused for a second and then replied, “well, I never thought I’d say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the consultant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the evening meal. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed at her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the HR manager. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and grinned

 ”THAT’s BECAUSE YESTERDAY WE WERE RECRUITING YOU , BUT TODAY YOU ARE STAFF.”
—————————————-
WOMEN CHEMICAL ANALYSIS.! !
•ELEMENT: Woman
•SYMBOL: ♀
•DISCOVERER: Adam
•ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg-225kg
•OCCURRENCES:Copious quantities in all urban areas
Physical Properties
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
Chemical Properties

1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
Common Uses
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Can be an effective cleaning agent.
Tests
1. Pure specimen turns rosy when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Hazards
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimen don’t come into direct contact with
(ADAPTED)

SANTA- : AT THE TIME OF MY BIRTH , 21 MORTARS WERE FIRED !
BANTA -: STRANGE ENOUGH ! EVEN THEN YOU ARE SAFE ! ? * * * *
SANTA: WE CAN NOT “DRINK AND DRIVE” AT THE SAME TIME !
BANTA -: WHY? SANTA: – SPEED BREAKER WILL SPILL OUT PEG. * * * *
SANTA TO WIFE: – IF SOMEONE ASK ABOUT ME , TELL I AM NOT AT HOME
(MEANWHILE PHONE BELLS RINGS) WIFE: HELLO, SANTA IS AT HOME – AND DISCONNECTS.
SANTA ANGRILY: – WHAT I TOLD YOU TO SAY ?
WIFE: THAT CALL WAS FOR ME , NOT FOR YOU . * * * *
SANTA: YOUR NURSE IS TOO BEUTIFULL TO KISS, AS SHE TOUCHED MY CHEEKS , I FELT ALL OAKY !.
DOCTOR: I KNOW…. I ALSO HEARD THE SLAP SOUND. * * * *
SANTA : OH FRIEND , HELP ME , I AM IN HELL OF PROBLEM ? MY WIFE CHARGES ONE RUPEE FOR EVERY KISS ! ! BANTA : OH – YOU ARE REALLY
LUCKY , ENJOYING VERY CHEAP –SHE CHARGES FIVE RUPEES FROM OTHERS ! ! * * * *
SANTA : DEAR – I FORGOT PURSE AT HOME , PLEASE GIVE ME 1000 RUPEES , I WILL PAY YOU TOMORROW . BANTA : A FRIEND IN NEED IS
FRIEND INDEED , TAKE 10 RUPEES , HIRE AUTO RICKSHAW AND BRING WALLET FROM HOME .. * * * *
BANTA : THAT GIRL SEEMS TO BE DEAF . I SAY HER SOMETHING ELSE AND SHE REPLIES SOME ELSE ? ? SANTA : HOW YOU DERIVED SO ?
BANTA : I SAY HER ” I LOVE YOU ” SHE REPLIES “I JUST BOUGHT NEW SANDLES AND DO NOT WANT TO SPOIL PAIR ” ! * * * *
A CROW SHITS ON BANTA- PREETO GIVES TISSUE PAPER TO HIM.
BANTA: NO USE . CROW NOW FLEW AWAY ..! * * * *
SANTA : WHEN I GET MAD AT YOU,YOU NEVER ENCOUNTERED ,.HOW DO YOU CONTROL YOUR ANGER?
JASMEET : I CLEAN THE TOILET BOWL.
SANTA : HOW DOES THAT HELP?
JASMEET : I USE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH INSIDE TOILET BOWL FOR CRUBBING!
AN ELDERLY KERALITE MAN IN LONDON, CALLS HIS SON IN NEW YORK AND SAYS, ‘I HATE TO RUIN YOUR DAY, BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE DIVORCING; FORTY-FIVE YEARS OF MISERY IS ENOUGH ! ‘ ‘POP, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?’ THE SON SCREAMS. ‘WE CAN’T STAND THE SIGHT OF EACH OTHER ANY LONGER,’

THE OLD MAN SAYS. ‘WE’RE SICK OF EACH OTHER, AND I’M SICK OF TALKING ABOUT THIS, SO YOU CALL YOUR SISTER IN CHICAGO AND TELL HER !’ THE SON CALLS HIS SISTER FRANTICALLY. SHE EXPLODES ON THE PHONE ‘LIKE HECK THEY’RE GETTING DIVORCED,’ SHE SHOUTS, ‘I’LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.’ SHE CALLS LONDON IMMEDIATELY, AND SCREAMS AT THE OLD MAN, ‘YOU ARE NOT GETTING DIVORCED. DON’T DO A  SINGLE THING UNTIL I GET THERE. I’M CALLING MY BROTHER BACK, AND WE’LL BOTH BE THERE TOMORROW. UNTIL THEN, DON’T DO A THING, DO YOU HEAR ME ?’ AND HANGS UP. OLD MAN HANGS UP HIS PHONE AND TURNS TO HIS WIFE. ‘OKAY’, HE SAYS, ‘THEY’RE COMING FOR  ”ONUM “AT THEIR OWN EXPANSES .HAHA HA WE SAVED MONEY * * * * *

HOW MANY MANAGERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? A ROOMFUL-THEY HAVE TO HOLD A MEETING TO DISCUSS ALL THE RAMIFICATIONS OF THE CHANGE. 2) NONE, THEY LIKE TO KEEP EMPLOYEES IN THE DARK. 3) “THIS TOPIC WAS RESUMED FROM LAST WEEK’S DISCUSSION, BUT IS INCOMPLETE PENDING RESOLUTION OF SOME ACTION ITEMS. IT WILL BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK.  MEANWHILE …” 4) “WE’VE FORMED A TASK-FORCE TO STUDY THE PROBLEM OF WHY LIGHT BULBS BURN OUT, AND TO FIGURE OUT WHAT,EXACTLY, WE AS SUPERVISORS CAN DO TO MAKE THE BULBS WORK SMARTER, NOT HARDER.” * *  *   *   *   *

NOTICE TO EMPLOYEES

SICKNESS WE WILL NOLONGER ACCEPT YOUR DOCTORS’ STATEMENTS AS PROOF. WE BELIEVE IF YOU ARE ABLE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, YOU ARE ABLE TO WORK.

LEAVE FOR SURGERY

WE ARE NO LONGER ALLOWING THIS PRACTICE.AS LONG AS YOU ARE EMPLOYED HERE, YOU WILL NEED ALL OF THAT, EVER YOU HAVE AND SHOULD NOT CONSIDER HAVING ANYTHING REMOVED. WE HIRED YOU AS YOU ARE, AND TO HAVE ANYTHING REMOVED WOULD CERTAINLY MAKE YOU LESS THAN WE BARGAINED FOR. ANYONE HAVING OPERATIONS WILL BE FIRED IMMEDIATELY.

PREGNANCY

IN THE EVENT OF EXTREME PREGNANCY, YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TO GO TO THE FIRST AID ROOM WHEN THE PAINS ARE FIVE MINUTES APART. IF IT IS FALSE LABOR, YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE AN HOUR’S LEAVE WITHOUT PAY.

DEATH

THIS WILL BE ACCEPTED AS AN EXCUSE, BUT WE WOULD LIKE TWO WEEKS NOTICE, AS WE FEEL IT IS YOUR DUTY TO TEACH SOMEONE YOUR JOB PRIOR TO . . . OR AFTER DEATH. THIS NEW BENEFIT PROGRAM STARTED YESTERDAY. THE MANAGEMENT CORPORATE LESSON A CROW WAS SITTING ON A TREE, DOING NOTHING ALL DAY.

A SMALL RABBIT SAW THE CROW, AND ASKED HIM, “CAN I ALSO SIT LIKE YOU AND DO NOTHING ALL DAY LONG?” THE CROW ANSWERED: “SURE, WHY NOT.” SO, THE RABBIT SAT ON THE GROUND BELOW THE CROW, AND RESTED. ALL OF A SUDDEN, A FOX APPEARED, JUMPED ON THE RABBIT AND ATE IT. MORAL OF THE STORY IS: TO BE SITTING AND DOING NOTHING, YOU MUST BE SITTING VERY, VERY HIGH UP.

CORPORATE LESSON

A TURKEY WAS CHATTING WITH A BULL. “I WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO GET TO THE TOP OF THAT TREE,” SIGHED THE TURKEY, “BUT I HAVEN’T GOT THE ENERGY.” “WELL, WHY DON’T YOU NIBBLE ON SOME OF MY DROPPINGS?” REPLIED THE BULL. “THEY’RE PACKED WITH NUTRIENTS.” THE TURKEY PECKED AT A LUMP OF DUNG AND FOUND THAT IT ACTUALLY GAVE HIM ENOUGH STRENGTH TO REACH THE FIRST BRANCH OF THE TREE. THE NEXT DAY, AFTER EATING SOME MORE DUNG, HE REACHED THE SECOND BRANCH. FINALLY AFTER A FORTNIGHT, THERE HE WAS PROUDLY PERCHED AT THE TOP OF THE TREE. SOON HE WAS PROMPTLY SPOTTED BY A FARMER, WHO SHOT THE TURKEY OUT OF THE TREE. MORAL OF THE STORY: BULLSHIT MIGHT GET YOU TO THE TOP, BUT IT WON’T KEEP YOU THERE

MANAGEMENT

A MAN FLYING IN A HOT AIR BALLOON REALIZED HE WAS LOST. REDUCING ALTITUDE, HE SPOTTED A MAN ON THE GROUND AND DESCENDED TO SHOUTING RANGE. “EXCUSE ME,” HE SHOUTED. “CAN YOU HELP ME? I PROMISED MY FRIEND I WOULD MEET HIM A HALF HOUR AGO, BUT I DON’T KNOW WHERE I AM.” THE MAN BELOW RESPONDED: “YES. YOU ARE IN A HOT AIR BALLOON, HOVERING APPROXIMATELY 30 FEET ABOVE THIS FIELD. YOU ARE BETWEEN 40 AND 42 DEGREES NORTH LATITUDE, AND BETWEEN 58 AND 60 DEGREES WEST LONGITUDE.” “YOU MUST BE AN ENGINEER,” RESPONDED THE BALLOONIST. “I AM,” THE MAN REPLIED. “HOW DID YOU KNOW?” “WELL,” SAID THE BALLOONIST, “EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TOLD ME IS TECHNICALLY CORRECT, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO MAKE OF YOUR INFORMATION, AND THE FACT IS I AM STILL LOST.” WHEREUPON THE MAN ON THE GROUND RESPONDED, “YOU MUST BE A MANAGER.” “THAT I AM” REPLIED THE BALLOONIST, “BUT HOW DID YOU KNOW?” “WELL,” SAID THE MAN, “YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, OR WHERE YOU’RE GOING. YOU HAVE MADE A PROMISE WHICH YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO KEEP, AND YOU EXPECT ME TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM. THE FACT IS YOU ARE IN THE EXACT SAME POSITION YOU WERE BEFORE WE MET, BUT NOW IT IS SOMEHOW MY FAULT.”

WHY EXECUTIVES MAKE MORE MONEY:

ENGINEERS AND SCIENTISTS WILL NEVER MAKE AS MUCH MONEY AS EXECUTIVES WILL.. NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME WE HAVE A RIGID MATHEMATICAL PROOF THAT EXPLAINS WHY THIS IS IN FACT TRUE. POSTULATE 1: KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. POSTULATE 2: TIME IS MONEY. AS EVERY ENGINEER KNOWS, WORK / TIME = POWER SINCE KNOWLEDGE = POWER, AND TIME = MONEY, WE HAVE WORK / MONEY = KNOWLEDGE SOLVING FOR MONEY, WE GET: WORK / KNOWLEDGE = MONEY THUS, AS KNOWLEDGE APPROACHES ZERO, MONEY APPROACHES INFINITY, REGARDLESS OF THE AMOUNT OF WORK DONE. CONCLUSION: THE LESS YOU KNOW, THE MORE YOU MAKE.

A YOUNG BUSINESSMAN HAD JUST STARTED HIS OWN FIRM. HE RENTED A BEAUTIFUL OFFICE AND HAD IT FURNISHED WITH ANTIQUES. SITTING THERE, HE SAW A MAN COME IN TO THE OUTER OFFICE. WISHING TO APPEAR THE HOT SHOT, THE BUSINESSMAN PICKED UP THE PHONE AND STARTED TO PRETEND HE HAD A BIG DEAL WORKING. HE THREW HUGE FIGURES AROUND AND MADE GIANT COMMITMENTS. FINALLY HE HUNG UP AND ASKED THE VISITOR, “CAN I HELP YOU?” THE MAN SAID, “YEAH, I’VE COME TO ACTIVATE YOUR PHONE LINES.” * * * * * * * *