( WHERE EAGLES DARE )

SANTA- : AT THE TIME OF MY BIRTH , 21 MORTARS WERE FIRED !
BANTA -: STRANGE ENOUGH ! EVEN THEN YOU ARE SAFE ! ? * * * *
SANTA: WE CAN NOT “DRINK AND DRIVE” AT THE SAME TIME !
BANTA -: WHY? SANTA: – SPEED BREAKER WILL SPILL OUT PEG. * * * *
SANTA TO WIFE: – IF SOMEONE ASK ABOUT ME , TELL I AM NOT AT HOME
(MEANWHILE PHONE BELLS RINGS) WIFE: HELLO, SANTA IS AT HOME – AND DISCONNECTS.
SANTA ANGRILY: – WHAT I TOLD YOU TO SAY ?
WIFE: THAT CALL WAS FOR ME , NOT FOR YOU . * * * *
SANTA: YOUR NURSE IS TOO BEUTIFULL TO KISS, AS SHE TOUCHED MY CHEEKS , I FELT ALL OAKY !.
DOCTOR: I KNOW…. I ALSO HEARD THE SLAP SOUND. * * * *
SANTA : OH FRIEND , HELP ME , I AM IN HELL OF PROBLEM ? MY WIFE CHARGES ONE RUPEE FOR EVERY KISS ! ! BANTA : OH – YOU ARE REALLY
LUCKY , ENJOYING VERY CHEAP –SHE CHARGES FIVE RUPEES FROM OTHERS ! ! * * * *
SANTA : DEAR – I FORGOT PURSE AT HOME , PLEASE GIVE ME 1000 RUPEES , I WILL PAY YOU TOMORROW . BANTA : A FRIEND IN NEED IS
FRIEND INDEED , TAKE 10 RUPEES , HIRE AUTO RICKSHAW AND BRING WALLET FROM HOME .. * * * *
BANTA : THAT GIRL SEEMS TO BE DEAF . I SAY HER SOMETHING ELSE AND SHE REPLIES SOME ELSE ? ? SANTA : HOW YOU DERIVED SO ?
BANTA : I SAY HER ” I LOVE YOU ” SHE REPLIES “I JUST BOUGHT NEW SANDLES AND DO NOT WANT TO SPOIL PAIR ” ! * * * *
A CROW SHITS ON BANTA- PREETO GIVES TISSUE PAPER TO HIM.
BANTA: NO USE . CROW NOW FLEW AWAY ..! * * * *
SANTA : WHEN I GET MAD AT YOU,YOU NEVER ENCOUNTERED ,.HOW DO YOU CONTROL YOUR ANGER?
JASMEET : I CLEAN THE TOILET BOWL.
SANTA : HOW DOES THAT HELP?
JASMEET : I USE YOUR TOOTHBRUSH INSIDE TOILET BOWL FOR CRUBBING!
AN ELDERLY KERALITE MAN IN LONDON, CALLS HIS SON IN NEW YORK AND SAYS, ‘I HATE TO RUIN YOUR DAY, BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE DIVORCING; FORTY-FIVE YEARS OF MISERY IS ENOUGH ! ‘ ‘POP, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?’ THE SON SCREAMS. ‘WE CAN’T STAND THE SIGHT OF EACH OTHER ANY LONGER,’

THE OLD MAN SAYS. ‘WE’RE SICK OF EACH OTHER, AND I’M SICK OF TALKING ABOUT THIS, SO YOU CALL YOUR SISTER IN CHICAGO AND TELL HER !’ THE SON CALLS HIS SISTER FRANTICALLY. SHE EXPLODES ON THE PHONE ‘LIKE HECK THEY’RE GETTING DIVORCED,’ SHE SHOUTS, ‘I’LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.’ SHE CALLS LONDON IMMEDIATELY, AND SCREAMS AT THE OLD MAN, ‘YOU ARE NOT GETTING DIVORCED. DON’T DO A  SINGLE THING UNTIL I GET THERE. I’M CALLING MY BROTHER BACK, AND WE’LL BOTH BE THERE TOMORROW. UNTIL THEN, DON’T DO A THING, DO YOU HEAR ME ?’ AND HANGS UP. OLD MAN HANGS UP HIS PHONE AND TURNS TO HIS WIFE. ‘OKAY’, HE SAYS, ‘THEY’RE COMING FOR  ”ONUM “AT THEIR OWN EXPANSES .HAHA HA WE SAVED MONEY * * * * *

HOW MANY MANAGERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? A ROOMFUL-THEY HAVE TO HOLD A MEETING TO DISCUSS ALL THE RAMIFICATIONS OF THE CHANGE. 2) NONE, THEY LIKE TO KEEP EMPLOYEES IN THE DARK. 3) “THIS TOPIC WAS RESUMED FROM LAST WEEK’S DISCUSSION, BUT IS INCOMPLETE PENDING RESOLUTION OF SOME ACTION ITEMS. IT WILL BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK.  MEANWHILE …” 4) “WE’VE FORMED A TASK-FORCE TO STUDY THE PROBLEM OF WHY LIGHT BULBS BURN OUT, AND TO FIGURE OUT WHAT,EXACTLY, WE AS SUPERVISORS CAN DO TO MAKE THE BULBS WORK SMARTER, NOT HARDER.” * *  *   *   *   *

NOTICE TO EMPLOYEES

SICKNESS WE WILL NOLONGER ACCEPT YOUR DOCTORS’ STATEMENTS AS PROOF. WE BELIEVE IF YOU ARE ABLE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, YOU ARE ABLE TO WORK.

LEAVE FOR SURGERY

WE ARE NO LONGER ALLOWING THIS PRACTICE.AS LONG AS YOU ARE EMPLOYED HERE, YOU WILL NEED ALL OF THAT, EVER YOU HAVE AND SHOULD NOT CONSIDER HAVING ANYTHING REMOVED. WE HIRED YOU AS YOU ARE, AND TO HAVE ANYTHING REMOVED WOULD CERTAINLY MAKE YOU LESS THAN WE BARGAINED FOR. ANYONE HAVING OPERATIONS WILL BE FIRED IMMEDIATELY.

PREGNANCY

IN THE EVENT OF EXTREME PREGNANCY, YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TO GO TO THE FIRST AID ROOM WHEN THE PAINS ARE FIVE MINUTES APART. IF IT IS FALSE LABOR, YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE AN HOUR’S LEAVE WITHOUT PAY.

DEATH

THIS WILL BE ACCEPTED AS AN EXCUSE, BUT WE WOULD LIKE TWO WEEKS NOTICE, AS WE FEEL IT IS YOUR DUTY TO TEACH SOMEONE YOUR JOB PRIOR TO . . . OR AFTER DEATH. THIS NEW BENEFIT PROGRAM STARTED YESTERDAY. THE MANAGEMENT CORPORATE LESSON A CROW WAS SITTING ON A TREE, DOING NOTHING ALL DAY.

A SMALL RABBIT SAW THE CROW, AND ASKED HIM, “CAN I ALSO SIT LIKE YOU AND DO NOTHING ALL DAY LONG?” THE CROW ANSWERED: “SURE, WHY NOT.” SO, THE RABBIT SAT ON THE GROUND BELOW THE CROW, AND RESTED. ALL OF A SUDDEN, A FOX APPEARED, JUMPED ON THE RABBIT AND ATE IT. MORAL OF THE STORY IS: TO BE SITTING AND DOING NOTHING, YOU MUST BE SITTING VERY, VERY HIGH UP.

CORPORATE LESSON

A TURKEY WAS CHATTING WITH A BULL. “I WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO GET TO THE TOP OF THAT TREE,” SIGHED THE TURKEY, “BUT I HAVEN’T GOT THE ENERGY.” “WELL, WHY DON’T YOU NIBBLE ON SOME OF MY DROPPINGS?” REPLIED THE BULL. “THEY’RE PACKED WITH NUTRIENTS.” THE TURKEY PECKED AT A LUMP OF DUNG AND FOUND THAT IT ACTUALLY GAVE HIM ENOUGH STRENGTH TO REACH THE FIRST BRANCH OF THE TREE. THE NEXT DAY, AFTER EATING SOME MORE DUNG, HE REACHED THE SECOND BRANCH. FINALLY AFTER A FORTNIGHT, THERE HE WAS PROUDLY PERCHED AT THE TOP OF THE TREE. SOON HE WAS PROMPTLY SPOTTED BY A FARMER, WHO SHOT THE TURKEY OUT OF THE TREE. MORAL OF THE STORY: BULLSHIT MIGHT GET YOU TO THE TOP, BUT IT WON’T KEEP YOU THERE

MANAGEMENT

A MAN FLYING IN A HOT AIR BALLOON REALIZED HE WAS LOST. REDUCING ALTITUDE, HE SPOTTED A MAN ON THE GROUND AND DESCENDED TO SHOUTING RANGE. “EXCUSE ME,” HE SHOUTED. “CAN YOU HELP ME? I PROMISED MY FRIEND I WOULD MEET HIM A HALF HOUR AGO, BUT I DON’T KNOW WHERE I AM.” THE MAN BELOW RESPONDED: “YES. YOU ARE IN A HOT AIR BALLOON, HOVERING APPROXIMATELY 30 FEET ABOVE THIS FIELD. YOU ARE BETWEEN 40 AND 42 DEGREES NORTH LATITUDE, AND BETWEEN 58 AND 60 DEGREES WEST LONGITUDE.” “YOU MUST BE AN ENGINEER,” RESPONDED THE BALLOONIST. “I AM,” THE MAN REPLIED. “HOW DID YOU KNOW?” “WELL,” SAID THE BALLOONIST, “EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TOLD ME IS TECHNICALLY CORRECT, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO MAKE OF YOUR INFORMATION, AND THE FACT IS I AM STILL LOST.” WHEREUPON THE MAN ON THE GROUND RESPONDED, “YOU MUST BE A MANAGER.” “THAT I AM” REPLIED THE BALLOONIST, “BUT HOW DID YOU KNOW?” “WELL,” SAID THE MAN, “YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, OR WHERE YOU’RE GOING. YOU HAVE MADE A PROMISE WHICH YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO KEEP, AND YOU EXPECT ME TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM. THE FACT IS YOU ARE IN THE EXACT SAME POSITION YOU WERE BEFORE WE MET, BUT NOW IT IS SOMEHOW MY FAULT.”

WHY EXECUTIVES MAKE MORE MONEY:

ENGINEERS AND SCIENTISTS WILL NEVER MAKE AS MUCH MONEY AS EXECUTIVES WILL.. NOW, FOR THE FIRST TIME WE HAVE A RIGID MATHEMATICAL PROOF THAT EXPLAINS WHY THIS IS IN FACT TRUE. POSTULATE 1: KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. POSTULATE 2: TIME IS MONEY. AS EVERY ENGINEER KNOWS, WORK / TIME = POWER SINCE KNOWLEDGE = POWER, AND TIME = MONEY, WE HAVE WORK / MONEY = KNOWLEDGE SOLVING FOR MONEY, WE GET: WORK / KNOWLEDGE = MONEY THUS, AS KNOWLEDGE APPROACHES ZERO, MONEY APPROACHES INFINITY, REGARDLESS OF THE AMOUNT OF WORK DONE. CONCLUSION: THE LESS YOU KNOW, THE MORE YOU MAKE.

A YOUNG BUSINESSMAN HAD JUST STARTED HIS OWN FIRM. HE RENTED A BEAUTIFUL OFFICE AND HAD IT FURNISHED WITH ANTIQUES. SITTING THERE, HE SAW A MAN COME IN TO THE OUTER OFFICE. WISHING TO APPEAR THE HOT SHOT, THE BUSINESSMAN PICKED UP THE PHONE AND STARTED TO PRETEND HE HAD A BIG DEAL WORKING. HE THREW HUGE FIGURES AROUND AND MADE GIANT COMMITMENTS. FINALLY HE HUNG UP AND ASKED THE VISITOR, “CAN I HELP YOU?” THE MAN SAID, “YEAH, I’VE COME TO ACTIVATE YOUR PHONE LINES.” * * * * * * * *